Deputy Dumb

Miguel Serrano collected works https://archive.org/details/miguel-serrano_202312

Deputy Dumb

by

Molyneaux

I

A swirling wind whipped through the hot, humid day, scattering the dust about in small tornadoes. The sun pounded down in fiery fervor, not merely illuminating the desolate expanse, but spreading forth boiling rays of heat. The area was free of vegetation for as far as the eye could see. Only dirt (a desert it nearly was) could be observed, except for the evidence of human existence to the west. Yearning for this companionship, an intrepid tumbleweed began its trek from the wilds.

The tumbleweed was fleet of foot and, with the help of the sailing breeze, quickly arrived in the town. It traipsed elegantly past the wooden buildings in glee. Having no need of a dentist, doctor, and merchant, it passed these buildings by without a second glance. It was looking for something exciting, something it could have fun at. Smiling at the horse and buggy that passed by in a whirl, the plant floated upwards until it landed before the doors of the jail. Peeking in, it was amused.

Inside the jail, sat Sheriff Steve and his deputy, Dumb. Both wore the gray uniforms of the law, gleaming badges, and each were equipped with twin six-shooters. Although they were dressed similarly, it was their differences that one noticed. The sheriff was lean and well-built with his sun-bleached blonde hair and tanned skin giving testament to his time in the sun, despite his sensitive blue eyes. The deputy, on the other hand, was extraordinarily fat and quite pale, which contrasted greatly against his dark hair and eyes.

Cooling himself by vigorously fanning away with a newspaper, Dumb exhaustedly said, “Ugh, boy is it hot. How can you stand such heat, Steve? I’m sweating all over.”

The sheriff smiled warmly before speaking: “It isn’t so bad. Want me to get you a cup of water?”

“Yes, please,” came the tired response.

Going past the empty jail cells, the sheriff walked confidently over to the water jug before filling up two cups. Quickly he returned to his chair as he presented his deputy with thirst-quenching water.

Sipping at the water, the deputy blanched. “Yikes, this water is warm. Not hot like it is outside though.” Thus said, he gulped the beverage down swiftly, draining it completely.

“The heat makes our job easier though,” Steve said. “The criminals are affected by the sun and aren’t up to committing crimes. So we can relax, for the time being. Won’t be too many doing much of anything today.”

The words thus flung were like a rock being tossed into a lake, causing Dumb’s corpulent flesh to ripple outwards. Straining beneath his sweaty mass, the deputy lumbered to his feet with a grunt. Tired, he breathed heavily, looking at the sheriff with near-glazed eyes.

“Thanks for reminding me, Sheriff Steve,” the deputy squeaked out mildly. “I really must be going now. It is my big day!”

Calmly, the sheriff responded, “Deputy Dumb, must you go to that? It is way too hot for you, especially considering your size. I can manage our town of Superior without you, but I am concerned for your health.”

With a wave of the hand, Dumb said, “Thanks for your concern but we both know everyone is equal. The heat is stifling, but we can all handle it.”

Chuckling softly, Steve replied, “You are at it again. You know I don’t believe in that equality nonsense, but good luck...and don’t hurt yourself.”

“You will learn, you will learn,” Dumb said as he waved good-bye.

Waddling away amid labored breathing, the deputy stumbled over a wooden plank in the floor, nearly falling. The sheriff started to his feet, but Dumb said, “I’m ok,” without looking back. Going to the wall, he took off his deputy’s hat of gray, and replaced it with an orange ten-gallon hat. Turning sideways to squeeze out the swinging doors, he exited with an umph.

Upon exiting, the obese man slowly made his way to the horses tied up in front of the jail. Giving each a gentle pat on the head, he passed them by. His mount was the last animal. With an arduous effort, he managed to slither atop the animal. With a push, he started off atop his jackass.

Perspiration oozed from Dumb’s many pores, but his large hat that essentially served as a parasol mainly blocked the sun. His mount was stubborn and slow, but he had quickly learned he was unable to ride a regular horse. He didn’t mind the horses, carriages, and people that passed by him as he rode. They always smiled at him and laughed. Today was no different.

The deputy’s journey to the edge of town was stymied by his ass. It wound slowly through the streets but quickly set off every time it saw a refreshing trough. Dumb tried to stop it from veering off the path, but to no avail. He dared not join the animal in its refreshment since the sun was dropping and he didn’t want to be late. After the animal started again upon its path, an interested, but getting bored, tumbleweed tagged along in search of excitement.

To the deputy, it seemed like countless eons drudged by before he reached his destination. The ride had nearly depleted his energy, but he felt charged and rearing to go as he took a look around.

Those present for the activities greeted Dumb cheerily, with smiles of mirth and jocular laughter. A few citizens were so happy to see him that they fell down laughing. All this pleasantry enraptured the deputy as he returned the looks of gaiety.

The festive area was bedecked with numerous participants who all appeared quite healthy and robust. All were men. Some had their shirts off, exposing their muscular physiques. Spaces had been cleared for the events and the wooden sign with big, black letters announced the affair: “Superior Athletic Contest.”

The competitor that grabbed the deputy’s attention and the one he knew was going to be the most fearsome opponent was Athletic Axel. This powerful giant stood out among the other competitors like a flaming tower amid a land of ants. He had blazing red hair and a fiery beard that matched his inner inferno. His hazel eyes twinkled in the piercing light as he confidently strode over to the deputy.

“Glad you could make it, deputy,” Axel boomed out. “I hope you didn’t wear yourself out on the ride over here. I’m not so sure if that oh-so-powerful ass of yours had such an easy time of it.” He chuckled, before continuing, “It’s great that you are finally going to get into shape, but I’m not so sure you should start out with such an intense competition. Nonetheless, you made it in time. Let’s go!”

The fiery giant helped the deputy down; Dumb was thankful for the help and too tired to say much. He did manage to say: “Where do we go Axel?”

“This way,” came the reply as the two men set off. “You already signed up, right?” The deputy nodded. The large, vigorous man helped the smaller, fatter man along so that both would make it in time, as both were enthused about the events. Before long, they came upon the flat track that would serve as the 100-meter dash.

The challengers were already lining up when the two arrived. Although the giant seemed to soar above the clouds, it was the deputy who attracted the men’s gaze. Chuckles were sprinkled about, greeting the deputy merrily as the men loosened up their potent muscles by stretching or warming up. Some, including Axel, eyed the rope designating the finish line as if were a beautiful damsel, pleasingly beckoning them onward.

Glancing at the deputy’s apparel, Axel thundered, “Ah, I see how you plan to win! Shoot everyone else with those six-shooters and you are assured to win!” Laughter erupted all around as Dumb looked at his pistols.

“I don’t need to do that,” he retorted. “Everyone is equal.” Laughter again pealed out at this statement as the gun belt was removed. Taking off his large hat, Dumb continued to himself, “Ugh, that sun is hot. No matter, time to prove I’m right.” Looking around, he asked, “How does this work, Axel?”

Smiling widely, the athletic giant replied, “You line up at the line and when the gun is fired, you run to the rope over there. First one to it, wins.”

“On your mark,” a voice yelled. The corpulent competitor observed the others and joined the lean challengers at the starting line. When “Get set” was yelled, he got ready. Boom! A gun exploded and the race began in a swirling rush of swift wind.

Ah, thought Dumb, as he enjoyed the exhilarating breeze. This man-made fan quickly left and he ran off after it. His rivals blazed down the track like hurtling bullets, and the deputy labored to keep up. His breathing was stunted as he struggled along. A gleeful tumbleweed whirred past him as he was forced to slow, until he merely walked.

Ahead of him flew the giant with a long stride that easily outdistanced the others. It appeared as though Axel’s one step was as long as his antagonists’ two. It was clear to the deputy who would win, and he was right. The athletic giant blew the field away without breaking a sweat; Dumb panted heavily as he watched the others finish, including the speedy tumbleweed.

All those that had finished (except Axel) were hunched over with their hands upon their knees, resting. As fatigued as they were, all managed to laugh at the sloth-like progression of the final contestant. These chirps of laughter urged the deputy on, but then he tripped and fell. He still had half of the track yet to finish.

Barely able to contain his noisy hilarity, Axel shouted out, “Better hurry up Deputy Dumb! The next event starts soon.” Looking around at his vivacious comrades with a smile, he asked, “Do you want me to carry you!?”

Dumb listened to the playful outburst, urging him onward. He wanted to finish, but he also wanted to participate in the next event. He began to crawl forth, but exhaustion soon overcame him.

“Yes,” he said, “please carry me, Athletic Axel.”

The men all resounded in a thunderous uproar at this acceptance. Earnestly, the giant bounded away and lifted the massive deputy onto his shoulder as if he were merely a babe. Rushing forward, the pair crossed the finish line amid tears of joviality as many men and spectators were relishing the scene. Applause resounded loudly and Axel took a majestic bow for his mammoth display of strength and speed.

“You are very heavy, deputy,” the giant said, “but not too heavy for me. I know, I know, everyone is equal, right?” The giant laughed before remounting the pudgy figure onto his shoulder. “Time to get to the next event.” With that said, the pair set off.

With the amazing strength and endurance of the giant, the duo easily got ready and arrived on time for the subsequent athletic affair.

Side by side were the two, but the difference of elevation between the two was astounding. The deputy was astride his ass while the giant was atop a monstrous black stallion that increased Axel’s already immense size. Other horses were posed and ready to ride. The track itself wound around a perfectly circular lake of the clearest blue. The neighings of the animals danced through the air, as the deputy knew exactly how this event progressed.

With a signaling whoosh, the horses thundered down the track. Dumb spurred his jackass on likewise but this didn’t quite produce the speed of the horses. Almost, but not quite. For a moment, the deputy was actually even with the steeds, but this changed as soon as the race began. As it was, the horses grew farther and farther away with the ass barely crawling along.

“Let’s go, let’s go,” the deputy remonstrated, spurring his mount onward. It promptly stopped. The heat blistered down upon the two and, as if by some unspoken command, the jackass waddled over to the lake. Both drank greedily from the sparkling water, as the rest of the field was over halfway down with the course.

Watching the horse race, the deputy sat down to take a rest. “You know,” said he to his furry ass, “I don’t think this is the sport for me. It is nice to watch, though, but this sun is awful.”

The donkey brayed as if to say, “Yes, we are jackasses and have no place in a horse race.”

As the two conversed, the contestants were nearing the finish line and there was no doubt about the winner. A full three lengths in front of the others was a flaming giant atop a steed the color of midnight. He easily won the race and then rode over to the lake.

“Are you done for the day, Deputy Dumb?” the giant rumbled with a confident smile.

“No, of course not,” replied Dumb. “I just realized that this isn’t my sport. Lead on to the next event.”

“Oh ho!” beamed Axel. “That’s the spirit! Come this way.”

The pair rode away, albeit slowly, in stark contrast. The deputy was drenched in foul-smelling sweat while the giant, even though he wore no shirt, was free of perspiration. As can be imagined, the two held many more differences. Nonetheless, both made their way over to a cheering crowd that encircled two combatants engaged in battle.

The two warriors, both shirtless and bulging with muscles, were locked together in a fierce struggle. Although the struggle didn’t look tiresome, there was no doubt the two were expending much energy merely jostling about. Suddenly, one of the gladiators grabbed the other’s head, twisted about, and flipped his opponent to the ground. Before the downed man could recover, arms were around his throat, sucking the very life from him. He toiled savagely to escape but his wild throes soon ended with a slight squeak, signifying surrender.

Applause exploded about at the display as the giant instructed the deputy, sensing he didn’t know the rules. “This is a submission wrestling tournament. It’s pretty simple really. Two men wrestle until one submits. Submission holds of any kind are allowed. Any questions?” After seeing a shake of the head, he continued, “This ought to be amusing!”

The crowd quieted as they listened to the next combatants in the tournament to be named. Amid the silence a voice rang out. “Fighting now is...Athletic Axel!...and...Deputy Dumb!” Applause and then laughter reverberated throughout the throng.

With a smile, Axel shook the deputy’s hand while saying, “Good luck.” Dumb gulped as he sized up his very large foe.

The two entered the circle made by the mob, and the contest started amid howling cheers. The giant stood firmly rooted, like a mammoth redwood that had stood for centuries. The corpulent girth of Dumb eyed the man warily and realized that Axel was goading him into attacking. Thinking this better than being stalked by the man bigger than a bear, the deputy lunged forward. In one graceful motion, the giant elegantly dropped down and wrapped his massive arms around the deputy in a deathly tight bear hug. Using the momentum, the giant flung his opponent into the air and slammed him earth-bound, crushing a wandering tumbleweed.

Deputy Dumb viewed the crowd with a blurry, hazed vision where some people wavered and then disappeared. He mumbled incoherently before the swarm of darkness swallowed him.

II

“So Hume crushed the mind and Berkeley smashed matter. Thus, we have the quaint little saying of ‘No matter, never mind.’ I’d like to discuss this further, but our time is up. I want everyone to finish up Hume’s ‘Treatise on Human Nature.’ Have a nice day!”

The professor’s words fell on receptive ears as the students were bedecked with grins as they left the lecture-hall. The professor was a man of average height and quite thin. He wore a black suit and top hat while carrying a black cane that was entirely for show. He was about to exit the hall when he noticed someone that remained seated; he promptly walked over to the student.

“Ah, it is you, Deputy Dumb,” the professor exclaimed. “You don’t look so well. Might you be in need of assistance?”

Pulling his head off the desk with a beleaguered effort, the deputy glanced up. “Oh no, Professor Pierre, I am fine. Just a little sore from the athletic competition.”

“You participated in the athletic competition? Why on Earth would you do such a silly thing? You are quite obese.”

“Well,” the deputy started with effort, “Everyone is equal.”

“Haha, Dumb! You always amuse me when you prattle on about that equality absurdity,” the professor said playfully. “I always think that you jest, since who could actually believe such a silly notion? You being serious always makes it more enjoyable. Since we are equals (haha), how did you like my lecture?”

“Ugh,” Dumb started, in perplexity, “it hurt my mind just trying to understand what you were saying. I just don’t get this science of matter and mind.”

Smiling, Pierre said, “Yes, we are equally skilled in metaphysics, which is a category of philosophy. So why did the sheriff let you hurt yourself at this competition and what brings you to my university?”

With a slow wave of the hand, the deputy answered, “Sheriff Steve has already scolded me. I’ll do better next time. I’ve come here because we need your help. There’s been a robbery.”

“Oh?” the professor exclaimed. “Let’s investigate immediately!”

The two left the university and made their way several doors down, to the bakery. The deputy related the details of the case, as he knew them. One hundred pies had been stolen with little sign of the culprit. The baker was mortified, as he had slaved away at making so many pies. Other than this, Dumb wasn’t able to offer any more in the way of clues.

The sign in the window of the bakery indicated it was closed but the pair knocked anyway; the baker soon appeared. “Oh, my life is over!” he moaned. “What am I to do?”

“Calm down,” the professor said soothingly. “When did you last see your pies?”

“Last night, around eight.”

“When did you realize they were missing?”

“This morning, around six.”

“Here is our first clue,” the professor said to the deputy. “See what this tells us, Dumb?”

Scratching his head, the deputy replied, “Well, it seems someone was hungry.”

Eyeing the deputy with a glance, the professor said, “Yes...that is possible.” To the baker, he asked, “Did you hear any strange noises? See anyone? Anything else you can tell us?”

“Oh! please no more questions,” wailed the baker. “Just look at my empty storage room and let me know when you solve this heinous crime.” With a point to the back, he left crying.

The two investigators went to the back, but Pierre motioned the deputy not to enter. Pulling out a magnifying glass, the professor gingerly stepped about in the empty room. He examined the ground, the walls, and the two wide doors that served as an egress. After digesting the information, he looked at the deputy thoughtfully.

Pointing to the ground, the professor spoke, “Do you see those footprints in the dirt?” The deputy nodded. “Well there are a quite of few different tracks. Do you know what that means?”

“Um, the criminal was dancing?”

Pierre asked himself, “Why do I even ask?” Then to the deputy: “That is possible, I suppose. However, I was thinking that there was more than one criminal. If you notice by the deep indentation over there, one track is very deep. Do you know what that...er never mind. It indicates that the man is heavy, very heavy.”

As Dumb looked on in stupefaction, the professor became very animated: “They are your tracks!”

“Huh?” retorted the deputy. “Mine?” Slowly, the pieces fell into place. “Oh! You don’t mean to say...I, well, I didn’t steal the pies. I mean, I like pies. In fact, I like them very much: very, very, much. But I didn’t steal them! Honest.”

Chuckling, Pierre said gleefully, “Yes, I know. How could you possible endeavor to carry so much away? Of course, I’m sure you could eat them all, but that’s another story. What you did do, however, was ‘investigate’ the scene and stomp over many of the tracks, making it difficult to observe the real criminals.”

With a sigh of relief, Dumb said, “Whoosh. Yes, I was here to investigate but didn’t know I was messing things up.”

“Yes, I am aware of how little you know, Deputy Dumb. Anyway, we must think of a motive. Now it could be, as you said, that someone was simply hungry. However, I don’t think so. Do you remember the recent pie attacks upon our good citizens?”

“Oh yes! It was a horrible crime spree, professor. It went unsolved too.” The steam springing forth from the grinding gears of the deputy’s mind was visible before he exclaimed, “I’ve got it! The stolen pies can only have been taken by the victims of the pie spree; they are looking for revenge!”

Grasping his cane looking as if to beat the deputy, the professor said through gritted teeth, “Sure, that is possible, although not probable. It is more likely than the same gang behind the pie throwing spree, is also behind this robbery.”

“Hmm, I don’t see it,” the deputy said, bewildered. “You are the professor though.”

“Yes, that is true. I am the professor. We still need more clues though. Come on, let’s see how these criminals escaped.”

The two walked over to the two wooden doors and flung them open. The light beamed in and many tracks were visible. Some were those of man, while some were those of horse. The professor scrutinized the area hunched over, enlarging objects with his magnifying glass. The deputy sauntered about, complaining of the roasting heat.

“It seems this was a rather large gang, considering the footprints and hoof-prints. We could still use a vital clue, though,” the professor said searchingly.

A refreshing breeze swept over the pair with a slight howl. The professor remained locked in his clue-search, but something flittering in the wind caught the deputy’s attention. Mesmerized, he realized it was a tumbleweed. It twirled like a ballerina in the air, leaping up and down, as if performing a delicate routine. To thank its audience of one, the performer tumbled speedily over to the deputy before being diverted by the wind; it smashed into the door, with no ill effects. Moving over to the tumbleweed, Dumb threw it off into the wind as he noticed a piece of torn, bloody cloth stuck to a nail in the door. He grabbed it.

The deputy eyed the item curiously before putting it in his pocket. The professor espied this action and queried, “What was that?”

“Oh, just a bloody piece of cloth I found in the door,” said the deputy nonchalantly. “Nothing important, I know.”

“Nothing important to you, because you are a blockhead! Let me have it,” said the professor irately.

After receiving the item, the professor analyzed it with his magnifying glass before fumbling in his pocket. “This is the most important clue we’ve found. I will just get my DNA analyzer out and see what we can learn. Rather, what I can learn.”

“DNA?” questioned the confounded Dumb. A flash of illumination sprinkled over his face as he exclaimed, “Do you mean UFO? Could the criminals really be aliens!?”

Annoyed, Pierre retorted, “Oh hush. I’m talking about deoxyribonucleic acid. It contains the genetic makeup of a person, but you wouldn’t know about that so I don’t know why I bother.”

Putting the bloody cloth into a little tube, the professor anxiously gazed at the analyzer. After a few moments, his eyes opened wide and he exclaimed happily, “Eureka!”

“Good work professor!” shouted, just as happily. “You are an intelligent man. Now, where does this Eureka live, so I can arrest him?”

“Why must you even talk? You are so dumb, Dumb,” came the irritated response. “‘Eureka’ isn’t a person, it’s a phrase of discovery. The discovery I’ve made will lead us to the villain. Combined with the DNA, I’ve uncovered the culprit’s, or at least one of the culprit’s, blood type: A negative. There is only one person in town with that blood type.”

With exclamatory surprise, the deputy shrieked, “No, can it be? Are you sure, professor? Really sure?”

Confidently, Pierre responded, “Yes, I am very sure. Absolutely positive.”

“Oh no,” wailed Dumb. “How could Sheriff Steve have been so corrupted!?”

“No, you dolt! It’s not the sheriff.”

“Oh, well, that’s good. Who then?”

The sun darkened at that very moment and a chilling cloak of blackness cascaded down upon the town. The professor, in but a mere whisper, murmured softly, “It’s Bad Bill.”

III

“Good work relating that tale, Dumb,” the sheriff said, pleased. “We have to act fast to prevent Bad Bill from wrecking more havoc upon our town.”

“I know where his hideout is!” piped in Deputy Daring. This deputy was a fairly tall man with brown hair and penetrating eyes of dark blue. He bristled with enthusiastic energy to destroy evil, regardless of peril.

“Excellent!” beamed the sheriff. “It is good you got back in town so soon. I’d love to chat about your vacation, but justice waits for us. Let’s go!”

The two fit officers of the law scudded swiftly out of the jail, with the whale-like deputy desperately, but not being successful at, trying to keep pace. Steve and Daring burst through the doors like a whizzing cannonball while Dumb waddled ever so tiredly outside, into the blazing heat. Horses were quickly mounted, save for the rider of the jackass.

“We need speed, Dumb,” the sheriff said. “Hurry up and use a horse for a change.”

“But,” the hefty deputy started, but finished not after a stern glance from his superior. Dumb lumbered over to a free horse and, with grim determination in his eye, leaped. Such was the pull of gravity that he barely left the ground, but did manage to smack his face against the horse’s rump. This stunned him and when he landed, he slipped on an errant tumbleweed that caused him to stumble backwards. It appeared as though he wouldn’t fall, until a wooden object grabbed his ankle. With a splash, he fell--buttocks first--into the trough.

“This is no time for a swim or a drink!” the sheriff yelled impatiently. “Get out of there and ride that stupid ass of yours!”

Dumb’s face turned red as he struggled titanically to free himself from his watery prison. Born of the desperation of admonishment, he actually endeavored, albeit with monstrous effort, to free himself. Just as impressively, he mounted his gray ass swiftly. Joining his fellow officers, he felt proud of himself for recovering so nobly.

The going was slow, however, due to Dumb’s stubborn ass that refused to keep pace with the horses. The quick thinking of Sheriff Steve solved this problem most expeditiously.

“Daring and I will speed off in order to survey Bad Bill’s hideout,” Steve said. “We will meet you there.”

As they sped off, Daring exclaimed, “The hideout is in Farmer Fred’s old barn.”

The horses darted off in great haste but although even a rapidly striding tumbleweed was able to keep pace, Dumb’s ass could not. The deputy wanted eagerly to help apprehend the criminals and prove to the entire town that everyone was equal. To him, it was a simple fact of life that all men were created equal, and stayed equal. Of course, he also knew this extended to all avenues of life as well. Therefore, he believed his obstinate jackass was just as good as the horses that had sped off without him.

After what seemed like years toiling through a boiling desert, the deputy finally reached the outskirts that surrounded Bad Bill’s hideout. Seeing his fellow officers hiding behind a tree, Dumb was illuminated with joy. They hadn’t yet captured the miscreants and there was thus time for him to help.

Seeing his chubby deputy, the sheriff whispered, “Come on over but be quiet.”

Slipping off his horse, Dumb pulled out his pistol and crept over to his comrades. Seeing the gun, Steve whispered fiercely, “Put that away! You know you can’t handle a gun properly.”

The hefty deputy complied but not before firing a bullet into the ground with a bang. Steve and Daring groaned in annoyance, but Dumb reacted by standing upright, frozen in fear.

Immediately following the blast, a loud voice yelled from the barn. “Who goes there?”

Without hesitation, the deputy replied, “Dumb, Deputy Dumb.” Suddenly, before he could react, a hurtling projectile was launched through the air. It smacked Dumb flush in the face with a splash, pie filling being scattered everywhere. In agony, he collapsed to the ground, victim of a flying pie.

“I’ve been hit! I’ve been hit!” he moaned as he lay upon the ground.

“It’s just a pie, you moron,” the sheriff barked out. To his other deputy he said, “Let’s go get em, Daring.”

As the two rushed towards the barn, a fusillade of pies and bullets whizzed at them, intent on extinguishing their lives. The brave avengers dodged between these missiles while firing blazing bullets of their own. Their assault went well until a pie stunned the sheriff and a ripping bullet tore through his leg; he plummeted to the ground. Steve waved his brother-in-arms off; Daring rushed with renewed vigor into the sweeping storm of death and destruction.

Galloping like the fine stallion he owned, the intrepid deputy burst through the barn doors with a crash. He did a somersault to avoid enemy fire, and then sprang to his feet, firing both pistols at two foes to his left; they both dropped with a thud. Two down, two to go, he thought. Swirling around quickly, he dodged a pie while taking aim. Pulling both triggers, only one shot rang out, killing its intended target.

The remaining enemy was Bad Bill himself! He grinned as he realized Daring was out of ammunition and skillfully tossed at pie at him. The pie exploded upon the deputy’s stomach, but Daring shrugged it off and ran at Bill as he flung his pistols at him. The pistols knocked the criminal backwards and gave the deputy just enough time to grab a few pies of his own. So expertly did Deputy Daring hurl his cherry projectiles that the law-breaker fell beneath the powerful onslaught.

With pools of crimson running down Bad Bill’s body, he descended into the pit of blackness.

The area was thus promptly cleansed of criminals as Daring returned to tend to the sheriff. Finally recovering from the pie-blow, Dumb went to help but was waved off by Steve. “We’ll take care of things here, Deputy Dumb, you just take the rest of the day off,” ordered the sheriff.

Dejected, the deputy of massive flesh wiped the pie from his face (and ate it, of course) before riding away atop his jackass. Riding back to the town was a depressing ride for the deputy. His spirit was dwelling within the depths of the chasm of despair and he let his ass guide him, wherever it might go. The day was not a good one for the crusader of equality and how could he possibly redeem himself? The heat was scathing, especially since he had, in haste, left his prized ten-gallon hat back at the jail; this further aggravated his dark mood.

Tickling his nose was the scrumptious smell of cooked meat that wafted through the air. The deputy’s head perked up as he searched for the source of the delicious nourishment. As he searched about, he realized that he had entered town. Upon finding the source of the smell, a look of horror swept over him with cascading dread. Spurring his donkey on, he quickly (for his ass) arrived at the source of his shock.

Lumbering off his mount, Dumb waddled by a flaming grill that whipped golden-red flames high into the air. With a yell of “Fire! Fire!” he rumbled past the grill that stood outside the house, and entered the home itself.

Frantically, he screamed, “Is anyone here!? I’ve come to save you!” With this yell he searched the house in frenzied haste, knocking chairs over, crushing an exquisite vase, overturning a table, and essentially raging through the home like a wayward tornado. He huffed and puffed, thinking the smoke was hampering his breath, but not giving up. Realizing no one was downstairs, he looked up.

The deputy flopped up the stairs, each step voicing its protestation with a loud creak. He saw a woman that, despite his shouts of warning, sat calmly at a table, as if nothing was astray. Thinking her deaf or delirious, Dumb plodded over to the woman and grabbed her, intending to carry her away to safety.

“Let go of me,” she shrieked. “Help! Police!”

“I am the police,” the deputy retorted hastily. “I have to save you! Your house is on fire!”

As she struggled and pounded on his chest, she screamed, “The house isn’t on fire!” With much effort, she tore away from his grasp and lunged backwards. “Leave me alone and get out of my house!”

With tenacious resolution, the deputy took a step forward, after the woman. A loud creak thundered out. With a snap and twist of wooden beams, the floor collapsed under Dumb’s massive weight. For a moment he remained floating in the air as if gravity had forgotten him. Then he was tugged with colossal might downwards and plunged into the depths of unconsciousness.

********

With heavy lids, Deputy Dumb opened his eyes. His vision was greeted by many of his acquaintances, including Athletic Axel, Deputy Daring, Professor Pierre, and Sheriff Steve. They all stood up and came over to the bed he was laying in as he realized he was in the hospital. His head pounded brutally but he was pleased to be welcomed by such warm, caring faces.

“That was quite a spill you took there,” boomed Axel. “Is there anything I can do for you?”

The deputy responded to the kind offer with a smile and said, “Thanks, could you open the window? It is hot in here.” This was promptly done and a rejuvenating breeze blew into the room. Along with this gust flew a tumbleweed that seated itself comfortably in one of the now-vacant chairs.

“Out of the whole town,” Pierre lectured, “you are the only one that could have possibly fell through the floor. Have you learned anything from this ordeal?”

A resplendent gleam covered the deputy’s face as he beamed proudly. “Yes, I did learn something. I learned that everyone is not equal.”

A stunned silence ensued. Finally, the professor inquired, “How did you learn that?”

With a huge smile, Deputy Dumb shouted, “Because I’m the fattest man in town!”